Melancholy Compendium: My Psychotic Roommate

The proof is in the pudding...

When I put a glass jar of iced tea on the counter, apparently I set it too close to her purified water container, because she promptly moved it to the other side of the microwave.

My fruits and veggies were sitting in a plastic bowl on the counter. While I was out of the apartment she removed them from this bowl and put them into a smaller ceramic bowl. She put my bellpeppers under the potatoes and whatever didn't fit in the bowl she left on the counter. The kicker: she hid the plastic bowl.

She will not come into a room if I am in it. If she gets home from work and sees me in the living room, she walks directly to her bedroom, closes the door, and will stay there until I'm either in the shower or I leave.

She told me that she refuses to go into the living room because of the ridiculous way that I rearranged the furniture.

She barricades herself in her bedroom and does not open the windows, even though she has a view of the river from her room. Since she is a hoarder, there are bags and boxes of 'stuff' covering every inch of the floor so that you cannot even see the carpet, save for the small pathway from her bed to the door. She will spend hours/days in there without coming out if I happen to be home.

She purchased an xBox for the purpose of digital movie storage because we download movies. She has no TV. She does not use the xBox. I put some movies on there for me to watch as well as for her if she wished. The day after I did this, she removed the xBox from the living room and.... yes, hid it.

She bought a floor lamp that has a bendy head. It is supposed to bend over and the light points down. She continues to push it up straight, making it look ridiculous, every time I turn the light on and push it down.

She bought a MASSIVE eliptical machine, which she stores in the middle of the living room even after I expressed my feelings against this. We have a free gym with an eliptical machine at our apartment complex. She has used her machine 3 times in total.

She drives 45 minutes, 3-4 times a week to go to the closest Whole Foods store where she purchases various expensive food products. The woman does not cook. She buys pre-made or reheatable things. $6 for a pint of cut fruit?! $15 for a quiche?! Plus the enormous cost of gas to get back and forth from there 3-4 times a week. Crazy.

We have a couple mutual friends. She does not communicate with these friends. I was always the one to put together gatherings. When I have these mutual friends over to visit, she hides in her room and will not even acknowledge their presence.

I had a clock radio that I unpacked and put in my bathroom to listen to music while I get ready for work. This is the only time I use the radio or make much noise of any kind. She has no stereo and never plays music. Three days after I put this in my bathroom, she went out and bought an iPod music station and put it in her bathroom. Since then she plays it all the time, at high volumes. The kicker: she plays a mix of the same 30 or so songs which include a mix of Sinatra/Christian/Techno/Michael Buble-esque music. I can't stand it.

Right after her parents paid off her credit cards, a few days later she went out and bought the eliptical machine, a printer/scanner/copier, an iPhone, and a bunch of Sephora makeup. Thanks mom and dad.

She only does laundry once every three weeks. Strictly. She doesn't need to really, because she has enough clothing to go a couple of months without having to do laundry. Name brand clothing. She cannot buy anything that is not name brand because then it's trashy and not good enough for her. Everything I own, for example.

She has five different types of laundry detergent. That's just detergent. Then you have softner, stain removers, bleach, and more. I have one jug of liquid detergent. When I moved the paper towels on the laundry shelf over on top of the toilet paper to make room for my one jug of laundry soap... the next day she moved it all back and stuffed my soap into the back of the shelf.

She locks her door as soon as she goes into her room because apparently she thinks I will either steal from her or attack her. I'm not sure on this one.

She tells me that she should not have to acknowledge me when she walks into a room and that if I want to talk to her then I need to initiate the conversation.

She says that I know she's a bitch and that's just the way it is so get used to it. "Hormones are hormones."

When I was sick and laying on the couch, she came out one morning and I said, "I'm so sick.". Her response: "Got to bed." Why? Because she says that she thinks the living room is my bedroom and she doesn't want me to lay on the couch. (My couch.)

Also when I was sick, I had three dirty spoons (three!) sitting in the sink and I hadn't cleaned them because I was sick. She took my three spoons out of the sink, did her dishes, and then put them back in the sink.

She spent half an hour scrubbing the kitchen counter. Yes, half an hour... scrubbing. When I looked at the counter I discovered that she had cleaned the whole counter except the spots that I had dirtied (spoon marks from cooking).

She took the ice cube trays out of the freezer because there was no room for them after she put all of her frozen entrees in there. There was also no room for any of my food.

Since I moved in we had been taking turns buying milk since it's something we both consume. Then, one day after I'd bought a couple gallons of milk, she went out and bought her own milk so that she didn't have to use the milk that I bought. Why? I had bought generic milk and she likes name brand.

She refused to do her laundry one time because I had left a load in the washer (for hours, not days) and she would not put take my things from the washer and put them into the dryer.

She installed a key hook on the wall in front of the front door. She refuses to hang her keys next to mine.